Our Rules

 We don't have a lot of problems at E@RTC, but we do have some rules to follow for those unfamiliar with how we do things. You learned the importance of rules when you didn’t follow your doctor’s prescription and woke up naked in a tree.

After you read each rule, imagine a loud whip-crack. It's more fun to read that way, seriously, try it.

* No burnouts

-anywhere near or around Redmond Town Center or Redmond, for that matter. We're talking about the rubber on asphalt kind, not the ones you date. This should be as obvious as air, but some are dumb enough to think it’s a good idea, and never seem to notice the number of video cameras, security, and police who participate in E@RTC. Burnouts have been illegal in Redmond since the famous “The No Burnout Act” of 1831. (We had the date wrong.) Who knows, some may love tight handcuffs, Tasers and court dates, not to mention the very embarrassing videos that gets you banned from E@RTC for life plus 50. We don't just ban you, we ban your armadillo-eatin relatives in Mississippi. You know the ones we're talking about. We’re so serious about this we will even ban your ancestors and have their graves relocated to Fresno.

* No revving your engines

-EVER! EVER! EVER! We’re surrounded by offices that have employees working on a Saturday. They are already grumpy because they had to get up early and go into the office and do stuff they hate, so don’t add to their already bad day. They would rather be outside with you looking at cool cars, so don’t remind them of what they are missing because it makes them testy. It's bad enough that their day-old turbo bran muffin from the commissary just said hello. With the new hotel, someone could come out and hit you with a complementary slipper and if you've ever been hit with one you know how much it stings. Especially when you’re not expecting it.

*  No touching or opening cars that don’t belong to you

-It's hard to believe we have to write this, but seriously, some people. This isn't like Walmart where you go sitting on the cheese and post a TikTok. Our parents taught most of us that when we were kids. This means no leaning on cars for photos either. This stuff doesn’t happen all that often, but we do have to say it a few times each season, and it’s no fun to have other participants yell at you, and they will. No, they really will. They will call you names too! It’s unpleasant.

*  No cars through the entrance after 10:00 AM

-This is a new rule, but an important one. We’re not allowing late arrivals anymore. It’s just as annoying than showing up late at someone’s house with a casserole. Don’t do it. Park in the spectator parking and come in and mingle. The reason we added this rule is because it’s a safety issue and we want our volunteers to have some social time too.

*  Keep an eye on your kids

-We’ve had a couple of lost kids, with lots of crying and it’s not fun, especially for their children. A few of us could scare the chrome off a bumper in the dark so let’s not traumatize them for life. If you do lose a child, girlfriend, boyfriend, mom, or last night's hook-up, all the Thugs are on radios and can help find your kids or track down that train wreck you found in a bar last night.

*  Lesser-exotics require permission

-Please read our FAQs and our criteria page to help determine if you’re car is exotic or rare enough. Drop us a note if you’re worried about getting turned away that day. We don’t want to turn you away any more than you want to be turned away, so please check with us if you’re unsure. We know it reminds you of when you got turned down by that dreamy prom date, but we hate it too. We’re really nice people but some push it with us and that never ends well for the pusher unless you've got a hankering for the, "Tool of the Month" award on YouTube. Oh, and we do video and post tantrums. Don't believe me? Ask our beloved Thug, Behan! Why make the whole world want to slap you. The event is still based around exotics and very rare cars as a priority as we explain to death. Just come in and have fun. Forget about that old prom letdown, because they probably let themselves go anyway and don't even have a job.

* No exotic rentals allowed

-Just to be clear, we’re talking about cars, and not “Bambi” who works First and Pike, Thursday to Sunday from 7 PM until she’s busy. We talking about exotic car rental agencies who rent cars to people who want to roll up like big shots and don’t follow our rules, and treat people badly because they mistakenly think it’s how rich people act. Nope. Look around you at E@RTC. You don’t see the actual owners acting badly, do you? They are all nice people. So, even if you work for an exotic car rental agency or own the place, you don’t get in without prior permission. Don’t think you’re fooling us either because we know the cars.

* No yodeling

-This is an environmentally friendly event. We care about animals and the lawn. I can’t believe we have to say this.

*  Take the time to clean and wash your car

-People come a long way to see this event, so please be courteous to the show, the participants and the cars around you. No, it doesn’t have to be perfect, but apply a little effort here and people will smile and take pictures in front of your car and those photos could end up on hundreds of sites with smiles all around the world like that old Coke commercial. Also, keep in mind, the person who just spent hours cleaning their car doesn’t want to be parked next to your rolling dirt ball. It's bad enough that they might be dating one. It’s a car show, not an emergency trip to Safeway, unless that's how you got your yard pass that morning. In which case we'll cover for you. Yeah, it might be hard to explain why you're washing the car just to get milk at 6 AM.

*  Pets

-Yes, your significant other is allowed at E@RTC. Leash rules apply for those on four legs, but don't for those on two (lighten up). It's not cool to bring a badly behaving critter who snarls, snaps and bites anyone including other critters, so give them their morning coffee first. Mall rules apply. It's their lot. They can and will kick you out and it's kind of embarrassing. We draw the line with crocodiles, tigers you “rescued” and venomous snakes but we’re perfectly fine with a well-behaved happy tarantula on your shoulder.

* Plunger

-Is the worst nickname you could possibly have.

“Rug Burn” isn’t so good either.

*  Roll down your window

-when you arrive and keep it down until you’re parked. This makes it a lot easier to direct you and get you into that right spot and also warn you with so many people around. You also get to hear so many people "Oooo!" and "Ahhhh!" about your car as you roll by who aren't connected to selling it to you in the first place. Why miss the reaction you always wanted since you were turned down for prom.

*  We don’t allow “For Sale” signs or solicitations of any kind on the cars

-This also means no advertising for services or handing out brochures. Also, if you do want to sell something at the event, that’s mostly between you and Redmond Town Center. Get in touch with them first. Even offering free samples of anything is a no-no without going through RTC first. Our participants and spectators don't want to be hustled on a Saturday morning. Walking spam annoys everyone.

*  Prior Notice for Groups

-If you’re coming with a large group of specific types of cars, please let us know ahead of time so we can make the room to park you all together. Someday, I hope some clown cars show up with about twenty clowns in each car and they all climb out and they are actually funny for once. I know, I'm dreaming.

*  E@RTC does not participate in organized drives

-On occasion we will post a destination after E@RTC, but it is not an organized drive. Yea, we did one in our first season, but it was expensive to manage. It’s perfectly fine to use E@RTC as a starting point for a group of cars. Just don’t leave early. It’s annoying. We never arrange bail money, even if we do "know" your mom.

*  No spring rolls for breakfast

-We decided to ban early morning cabbage too. I can't believe we have to say this too. Crop dust somewhere else.

*  No cars can leave early unless with special permission and an escort

-We’re not talking about the ones you found on Craig’s List with names like “Kitty” and “Pippie Love Stocking” either. We’re talking about our beloved Thugs walking you in and out of the event. We see you moving cones and doing it on your own and you will be out for a long long time. We no longer allow cars to leave early unless they have special permission. No cars will be allowed to leave early from center court. If you did obtain prior permission, ask us for help, as we must walk you out. In fact, do that often and we will always park you at the far end of the lot.

* Absolutely no mimes

-Not that we've ever had one show up, but we're terrified that one might someday. They are creepy AF and none of us want to pay for your therapy in addition to ours. Take your imaginary box somewhere else and don’t come out. Stop sending us blank sheets of paper.

*  Here is an inside tip

-When you exit, head east towards the direction you came in. Turn right again, down to the stop sign at 166th Avenue NE, then turn right at Bear Creek Parkway so you’re driving past BJ’s then the new hotel. This way you end up on YouTube that same day and you may become famous! No, "demonstration of power" when you leave because that will get you a really thick reckless driving ticket from the cop at the next intersection that you can’t see until it’s too like, like that Tinder date. It's so embarrassing you will want to ride home in your own trunk. Soon, Tesla will make it possible!

*  This is another tip

-We don’t let cars exit onto Bear Creek and ask that you politely head into Redmond first. This is for safety reasons as the intersection. We discourage photographers from standing on the tree lawn. You’re more likely to be photographed heading north out of the mall. Someone somewhere has your license plate so just be courteous as you roll around Redmond and you will get a continued warm reception from Redmonites. (I made up “Redmonites.” They sound dangerous. Redmonites. Oh my God it's the Redmonites! Run!) We've had the police come and grab those who did bad things out on 520 and it's highly entertaining. It doesn't happen often. Most of you are smart. It's better to be smart. Cheaper too.

*  No dinosaur noises

-(I’ll bet you’re hunting through the Urban Dictionary) before 10:30 AM.  Some of us get little sleep before the event and need hours to fully wake up. We mean it. By the way, did you know that chicken will turn pink if you leave it in the fridge long enough?

*  No rudeness

-Once in a while, we get some Chuck E. Cheeser who shows up angry at the world and wants to take it out on us the moment they show up. That’s a quick point to the exit and we mean it. We’re all here to have fun and we as an entire groups, both spectators and participants, have a low tolerance for “Karyles” or anyone who shows up with some sense of entitlement because Sugardaddy Bonerbucks bought them a car and therefore they are special. Nope, not special at all!

We will modify these rules from time to time after we see something either stupid or smart in a Buba kind of way that we didn’t think of before. There are security cameras everywhere so bad behavior does end up on the gag reel for us to snicker about before your court date. We’ve had a terrific first fifteen seasons except for that one that didn’t happen, with wonderful participants every week so these rules aren’t something we have to pull out very often. Our goal is to have fun, not take ourselves too seriously, and we try to discourage the self-absorbed narcissistic rule-breakers from ruining a good time for all.

Most of all, please have fun! It's why we do all this!

Oh Vic, look what you just stepped in. Someone get a stick!

We compost our used thoughts.