We don't have a lot of problems at E@RTC, but we do have some rules to follow for those unfamiliar with how we do things. After you read each rule, imagine the loud snap of a whip. It's more fun to read that way.
* No burnouts, anywhere near or around Redmond Town Center or Redmond, for that matter. We're talking about the rubber on asphalt kind, not the ones you date. This should be as obvious as air, but some are dumb enough to think it’s a good idea, and never seem to notice the number of video cameras, security, and police who participate in E@RTC. Burnouts have been illegal in Redmond since 1830. Who knows, some may love tight handcuffs, Tasers and court dates, not to mention the very embarrassing videos that gets you banned from E@RTC for life plus 50. We don't just ban you, we ban your relatives in Mississippi. You know the ones we're talking about. We’re so serious about this we will even ban your ancestors and have their graves relocated to Fresno.
* No revving your engines. EVER! EVER! EVER! We’re surrounded by offices that have employees working on a Saturday. They are already grumpy because they had to get up early and go into the office and do stuff they hate so don’t add to their already bad day. They would rather be outside with you looking at cool cars, so don’t remind them of what they are missing because it makes them testy. It's bad enough that their day-old bran muffin from the commissary just kicked in. With the new hotel going up, someone could come out and hit you with a slipper and if you've ever been hit with one you know how much it stings.
* No touching or opening cars that don’t belong to you. It's hard to believe we have to write this but seriously, some people. This isn't like Walmart where you go sitting on the cheese. Our parents taught most of us that when we were kids. This means no leaning on cars for photos either. This stuff doesn’t happen all that often, but we do have to say it a few times each season and it’s no fun to have other participants yell at you, and they will. No, they really will.
* Keep an eye on your kids. We’ve had a couple of lost kids, with lots of crying and it’s not fun, especially for their children. A few of us could scare the chrome off a bumper so let’s not traumatize them for life. If you do lose a child, girlfriend, boyfriend, mom, or last night's hook-up, all the Thugs are on radios and can help find your kids or track down that train wreck you found in a bar last night.
* Lesser-exotics require permission. Please read our FAQs to help determine if you’re an exotic. Drop us a note if you’re worried about getting turned away that day. We don’t want to turn you away any more than you want to be turned away, so please check with us if you’re unsure. We know it reminds you of when you got turned down by that dreamy prom date, but we hate it too. We’re really nice people but some push it with us and that never ends well for the pusher unless you've got a hankering for the, "Tool of the Month" award on YouTube. Oh, and we do video tantrums. Don't believe me? Ask our beloved Thug Behan! Why make the whole world want to slap you. The event is still based around exotics as a priority as we explain to death. Just come in and have fun. Forget about that old prom letdown, because they probably let themselves go anyway and don't even have a job.
* Take the time to clean and wash your car. People come a long way to see this event, so please be courteous to the show and the cars around you. No, it doesn’t have to be perfect, but apply a little effort here and people will smile and take pictures in front of your car and those photos could end up on hundreds of sites with smiles all around the world like that old Coke commercial. Also, keep in mind, the person who just spent hours cleaning their car doesn’t want to be parked next to your rolling dirt ball. It's bad enough that they might be dating one. It’s a car show, not an emergency trip to Safeway, unless that's how you got your yard pass that morning. In which case we'll cover for you. Yeah, it might be hard to explain why you're washing the car just to get milk.
* PETS Yes, your significant other is allowed at E@RTC. Leash rules apply for those on four legs, but don't for those on two (lighten up) and it's not cool to bring a badly behaving critter who snarls, snaps and bites anyone including other critters, so give them their morning coffee first. Mall rules apply. It's their lot. They can and will kick you out and it's kind of embarrassing. We draw the line with crocodiles, bengal tigers and venomous snakes.
* Roll down your window when you arrive and keep it down until you’re parked. This makes it a lot easier to direct you and get you into that right spot and also warn you with so many people around. You also get to hear so many people "Oooo!" and "Ahhhh!" about your car as you roll by who aren't connected to selling it to you in the first place. Why miss the reaction you always wanted to your cool ride.
* We don’t allow “For Sale” signs or solicitations of any kind on the cars. This also means no advertising for services or handing out brochures. Also, if you do want to sell something at the event, that’s mostly between you and Redmond Town Center. Get in touch with them first. Even offering free samples of anything is a no-no without going through RTC first. Our participants and spectators don't want to be hustled on a Saturday morning. Walking spam annoys everyone.
* Prior Notice for Groups If you’re coming with a large group of specific types of cars, please let us know ahead of time so we can make the room to park you all together. Someday, I hope some clown cars show up with about twenty clowns in each car and they all climb out and they are actually funny. I know, I'm dreaming.
* E@RTC does not participate in organized drives. On occasion we will post a destination after E@RTC, but it is not an organized drive. Yea, we did one in our first season, but it was expensive to manage. It’s perfectly fine to use E@RTC as a starting point for a group of cars. We never arrange bail money, even if we do "know" your mom.
* No spring rolls for breakfast. We decided to ban early morning cabbage too. I can't believe we have to say this.
* Absolutely no Mimes. Not that we've ever had one show up, but we're terrified that one might someday. They are creepy AF and none of us want to pay for your therapy.
* Here is an inside tip. When you exit, head east towards the direction you came in. Turn right again, down to the stop sign at 166th Avenue NE, then turn right at Bear Creek Parkway so you’re driving past BJ’s then the giant hole which will become the new hotel. This way you end up on YouTube that same day and you may become famous! No, "demonstration of power" when you leave because that will get you a really thick ticket. It's so embarrassing you will want to ride home in your own trunk. Soon, Tesla will make it possible.
* This is another tip. When you’re heading to and from E@RTC, keep in mind the police know where you’re probably going and where you came from so they know how to track you down if you don’t behave. Surprise, surprise, but there are only a few ways in and out of Redmond. They may even have someone waiting for your arrival, handcuffs warmed up and ready to go, like you're important. Someone somewhere has your license plate so just be courteous as you roll around Redmond and you will get a continued warm reception from Redmonites. (I made up “Redmonites.” They sound dangerous. Redmonites. Oh my God it's the Redmonites! Run!) We've had the police come and grab those who did bad things out on 520 and it's highly entertaining. It doesn't happen often. Most of you are smart. It's better to be smart. Cheaper too.
* No dinosaur noises (I’ll bet you’re hunting through the Urban Dictionary) before 10:30 AM. Some of us get little sleep before the event and need hours to fully wake up. We mean it.
We will modify these rules from time to time after we see something either stupid or smart in a Buba kind of way that we didn’t think of before. There are security cameras everywhere so bad behavior does end up on the gag reel for us to snicker about before your court date. We’ve had a terrific first nine years with wonderful participants every week so these rules aren’t something we have to pull out very often. Our goal is to have fun, not take ourselves too seriously, and we try to discourage the self-absorbed from ruining a good time for all. Most of all, please have fun. It's why we do all this.
Oh Vic, look what you just stepped in.