What to Expect if You're New

We got through the postponement of our opening day with no complaints this time. That’s a first. I’m guessing whoever caused all the ruckus finally got another basement job somewhere. We post if we’re on or off every Thursday afternoon and usually have the post up before 4 PM. This gives you ample time in most relationships to complete your chores and necessary paperwork for a Saturday morning yard pass.

We’re getting a lot of email about car qualifications; probably five per day on average. We’re answering every one so if you sent something and we missed it, send it again. I’ll wake everyone up around here if they aren’t answering. Nothing like calling a fellow Thug in the middle of the night all jacked up on Redbull.

We hate to turn cars away. It’s bothered us from the day we began. We know that to you it feels like we’re an unwelcome toot in a crowed elevator. We badly want to deny it’s even an issue. But it is. We hear you, but we’re out to put on the best event possible, and we’re glad your understanding the situation.

So you’re new…

If you’re completely new to E@RTC, here is what to expect. Think of E@RTC as one big flash mob with super-crappy dancers and no music anyway. We show up, have fun, then we’re gone like it never happened.

Take a look at the map then follow the signs and come in one block east of the parking lot. Nothing screams “newbie” louder than coming in the wrong way, unless you have an actual sign on your car that says, “NEWBIE,” or you’re in a stroller.

I just realized I could have been an olympic swimmer if it wasn’t for my love of pastries.

You will be greeted by Sean, the great wizard who is kind of our sorting hat. He will either let you in or politely tell you the car doesn’t meet the broad definition of rare, exotic, etc., all stuff we cover on our website here, and point out a good spectator lot. He’s an extraordinarily nice guy. He also knows a lot about cars so don’t try to BS him either. He probably knows more about your car than you do. Complaint forms can be found here.

Sean radios what’s coming through the gate to the other Thugs and one of our marvelous Thugs radios back where we’re going to park you, usually with a few insults tossed around between Thugs, but you never hear that part because they are wearing ear mics. It’s a big part of our fun. Us Parking Thugs live to make fun of each other. And, as we’ve said before, we’ve never let fine breeding, a proper upbringing, respectability, good manners, honor, character, or even moral decency, ever get in the way of a good joke. So there is that. If you don’t like to laugh and have a good time, just stay in the basement and look for leaks or carve something meaningful out of soap, or search the freezer for something with freezer burn and think of a good way to make it taste good.

Once you’re waved through the intersection and into the lot, someone will walk you over to your parking area and help you get positioned. The marvelous and highly-dedicated Thugs know what they are doing and how to make your car look its best. Keep your window rolled down as you enter. This is very important. If you have no window, you’re one step ahead of us.

When you’re parked, let us know you’re new, even though we probably know already. We tend to remember people very well. We’d be happy to introduce you to a few folks so you get to make some new friends. You will find the whole thing very welcoming and people will remember you when you come back the next week. You don’t even need to wear the same stuff to get recognized!

We frown on those who arrive with a sense of entitlement who don’t think the rules apply to them. We frequently send them to Lot 9, (shhhh, it’s in Moclips). Here is Lisa on an actual Lot 9 inspection.

Lisa certifying to the general suckiness of Lot 9. Avoid us sending you to Lot 9. Lot 9 is for bad people.

Lisa certifying to the general suckiness of Lot 9. Avoid us sending you to Lot 9. Lot 9 is for bad people.

Should we send you to Lot 9, here is how to get there. It’s just a mere 2 hours and 37 contemplative minutes to get there where you can stand with the other A-holes.

Should we send you to Lot 9, here is how to get there. It’s just a mere 2 hours and 37 contemplative minutes to get there where you can stand with the other A-holes.

If you’re a new spectator, we’d suggest parking in the north parking structure and walking across the mall. It’s easer to leave when you’re sick of the whole thing and just want to go home and crawl into your jam-jams. This way you can conveniently hit all the food places before you head over; Starbucks, Original Pancake House, French Bakery, etc., bathrooms… if you’re “cleansing.”

The car owners are always there to talk about their love of cars and are more than happy to answer questions. Just don’t ask to sit in someone’s car. It’s bad form. It’s cringeworthy bad form. They love to talk about what they brought and look at other cars. Make yourself at home. Spectators and participants are all alike and can’t be told apart until they drive off, so stereotyping attendees won’t work.

Let’s hope this Saturday works out and if not, we try again next week. Oh, and give a thug a hug while you’re there. Don’t if you have ebola.